he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
