my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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