Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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