Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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