I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
