I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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