Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
