Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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