Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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