i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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