I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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