YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So much rum. So many feels.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
