her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
