The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
