so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
