I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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