I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
