i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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