I wish I could teleport
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
