Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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