I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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