Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
