We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
