i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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