got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
