i was born a porn star she said
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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