Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
