I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
