i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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