I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
