i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
