Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
