I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
so much tequila, so little girl.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
