So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
wow bdsm is so cute
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
