I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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