Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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