He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
