Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
