seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
