shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
