All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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