I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so let's talk penis.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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