I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
