i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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