Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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