There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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