so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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