I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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