the condom got lost in my hair
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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