took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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