Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
