Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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