your parents love me but you hate me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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