As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize