Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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