There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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