Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
