By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
