We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
